The Best of Niki Smith (2005-2006)
(banner coming soon)
[Viki asked Dorian to provoke her so that Niki would emerge; after their
argument, Dorian is stunned to find that the plan worked]
Dorian: Viki?
Niki: Dorian -- guess again!
Dorian: Niki Smith?
Niki: Ah, hell! That was too easy. You got it on the first try.
Dorian: Oh, dear God, it worked. Damn you, Viki!
Niki: I'll drink to that, if I had a drink.
[Niki is surprised to hear that Clint has returned to Llanview -- and
to Viki]
Niki: What's he doing here? Oh, please don't tell me she picked up
with him again. What happened to Benji?
Dorian: You really don't know, do you?
Niki: Yeah. Last time I saw him, he took a bullet, but he's a big,
strong guy, you know. (realizing that he's dead) What?
You're kidding! He bought the farm! Jeez, you can't trust anybody these days.
Anyway, who cares. I got to get out of this coffin and get a drink.
Dorian: I promised Viki I would help her.
Niki: Why? You hate that stupid cow as much as I do.
Dorian: I don't exactly hate her, okay, and I certainly don't hate
Jessica.
Niki: Jess-- what the hell's Jessica's got to do with anything? She's
a twit!
[Niki knocks Dorian unconcious in an attempt to escape]
Niki: Dorian? Hey. Dorian? You faking? Well, you're out cold, but
you're breathing. Sorry. I mean, I didn't mean to kill you or even bean you
this hard. Right, who cares already. Okay. Hey, don't worry. Somebody will
find you, okay? Life is good! And it's going to be even better with a little
gas in the tank. Holy cow! What the hell's open this late? That place out
on highway five. Unless I find something better first. Hasta la vista, Llanview.
Ha-ha! Hey, Dorian? Thanks for springing me. I owe you one.
Niki: (about Rex) I know that guy. That's the dude with the
dog's name.
[Niki -- pretending to be Viki -- runs into Roxy]
Roxy: Something's different.
Niki: Oh. Well, I mean, it's so late.
Roxy: Right, baby, tell me about it. The only people out are drunks
and girls gone wild like us.
Niki: What? I mean, excuse me?
Roxy: I got a little preposition for you. You know, both of us are
standing here and we're wide awake, so I was thinking this is a really good
time to update that do. I've been dying to get you in my chair for ages.
Niki: Hey. Now, that is a cool idea. Roxy, you do your worst.
Roxy: You're a sign. You are. From way up there. Or from the other
place. Okay, I'm going to get you in my chair. All right, baby, take a load
off. Everything so crazy. Tonight is, like, so whoo, you know? I've been,
like, worried about everything. I've been tossing and turning, thinking about
everything from dust bunnies to orange alerts to big stuff like, where am
I going, where am I headed in my life, am I a hotelier or am I a beauty guru,
or what? And I don't know what it was, but something sent me here. And I
thought it was the bourbon, but it was destiny.
Niki: You lost me, Roxy.
Roxy: (getting some alcohol out) I just need a little liquid
inspiration.
Niki: Uh -- Rox, could I?
Roxy: What about your woozy-whatsies?
Niki: Yeah. Yeah -- um -- you know what? Just a taste, you know? I
won't even swallow it, okay, huh?
Roxy: Ixnay on the ackwash-bay.
Niki: Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
Niki: That was one hell of a shampoo.
Roxy: You know, normally, I don't do the shampoo. I got operators
for that.
Niki: Oh, yeah?
Roxy: But you, Vik, you get the royal treatment tonight.
Niki: Not to mention they're not here.
Niki: (remembering Roxy being reluctant to give her alcohol)
What the hell is she talking about, not supposed to drink? Like fish ain't
supposed to swim.
Niki: (about the bar she's found herself in) This place don't
hold up in daylight.
[Niki talks to Harry the bartender]
Harry: I thought you said you had family here.
Niki: I haven't seen them in years. And after the last time, ain't
nobody going to be throwing me no welcome-home party.
Harry: Ah. Family's forget about that stuff. I'm sure they'll be happy
to see you.
Niki: Oh, yeah, they'd be freaking thrilled. Make them nuts.
Harry: Made up your mind where you're going?
Niki: Nah. I'll just handle this the way I handle everything in my
life -- on the fly.
Harry: Oh.
Niki: But you have been a very good listener. You do your name proud,
Harry.
Harry: My pleasure, Niki.
[Nash and Tess run into Niki in a bar and assume that she's Viki]
Nash: Ms. Davidson, I'm sorry this isn't playing out exactly how you'd
like.
Niki: Who the hell are you -- to presume to know what I would or would
not like, hmm?
Nash: I don't --
Niki: Back off.
Tess: ...And with the baby on the way --
Niki: The baby?
Tess: Yeah, the baby. And, you know, also the fact that we don't know
who the father is.
Niki: (scandalized) Have you been sleeping around??
[Tess realizes that she's dealing with Niki, but Niki is still pretending
to be Viki]
Tess: Well, this is interesting.
Niki: Oh, yes, yes, it is interesting. It's very interesting, isn't
it, that we're both here in the same place at the same time in the middle
of nowhere.
[Tess blames Niki for her and Jessica's DID]
Niki: I take the blame for a lot of stuff, but not you, kid. I ain't
taking the blame for you.
Tess: I hate you.
Niki: Oh, good for you. I hate you, too.
Niki: Hey, are you for real? You're really not Jessica? You're Tess?
Tess: Isn't that what I just said?
Niki: Yeah. It's unbelievable.
Clint: Now, just where do you think you're going?
Niki: Anywhere you're not.
Clint: Well, it's good to see you again, too, Niki. Now, give me the
car keys.
Niki: No! I don't take any orders from you.
Clint: Hand it over or I'll have you committed, and you know I can
do it, too.
Niki: You can lock me up in the loony bin. You can't make me change.
Clint: Well, if you behave yourself on the way to the house, I won't
even try.
Niki: Yeah, famous last words, right?
Clint: At least not now.
Niki: You are in for one hell of a fight, mister.
Clint: Been there, done that.
Niki: Nah. This is going to be much worse. You ain't seen nothing
yet.
[Niki tries to seduce Clint]
Niki: Come on! Let's make the best of this, huh?
Clint: There is no "best" in this situation.
Niki: Come on. Come on, old Niki's looking for a good time. Man, you've
got a hell of a nerve.
Clint: Why? Because I'm not falling for whatever escape plan you got
hatched?
Niki: Escape? If I wanted to escape, I'd be long gone. Me and that
old oak tree out there -- we're pals.
Clint: Ah.
Niki: No, I don't want to escape. What is it, you dead or something?
You don't know a sure thing when you see it.
Niki: I'm just looking for a little conversation.
Nash: You don't even know me.
Niki: Huh-huh. I'm not so sure about that. Let's see -- you're a wanderer,
you're a loner, you're a guy with big dreams. All of a sudden this little
girlie girl comes into your life and curls your toes a couple of times, and
now you're chasing her all over the damn country. Close?
Nash: Tess and I are much more than that. You know, I'm sick and tired
of people just writing us off. You don't know Tess and you don't know what
we're about.
Niki: Man, you got to be stupider than you look. Come on. The way
I see it, you got to know there's no way you can come out on top in this,
right?
Nash: You don't know that.
Niki: Honey, you're talking to the expert.
Niki: Just listen. Just listen for a sec. Here's the deal -- you let
me out, and I'm going to see to it that you and your little Tess go someplace
you ain't even heard of. Ain't nobody going to find you -- no Buchanan’s,
no Vegas. It's paradise, kid, paradise. You put this dumpy little town in
your rearview mirror, and you are out of here. Now, all you got to do is
turn that little doorknob, and all your dreams are going to come true.
Nash: I'm afraid I've cut my deal -- with Jessica. I promised I wouldn't
run off with her. I gave my word.
Niki: Now, Jessica would be the one who's sleeping with Antonio tonight,
right? That's cool. You take your time, you think it over. Sleep alone another
night, and then you can get back to me. And just remember how much you love
Tess. And just remember that you're going to lose her, because little miss
Jessica is going to make her vanish into thin air.
Niki: Damn it, Clint, let me out of here!
[The door opens]
Niki: About damn time, too. (seeing Jessica at the door) Hello.
You're not Clint.
Jessica: Hello, Niki.
Niki: Who are you, Jess or Tess?
Jessica: I'm Jessica.
Niki: Huh. Ok.
Niki: So, I met your friend Tess.
Jessica: Tess is not my friend. She is a part of me, just like my
mother is a part of you. So I guess that makes us mother and daughter whether
we like it or not.
Niki: Ha-ha, hello. I don't do kids, ok? I didn't have you. Viki
did.
Niki: You want me to help you? What, are you for real?
Jessica: Please, I have no where else to go.
Niki: Get out of here. Like I don't know what you and your daddy are
up to. You guys can't wait to get rid of me so you can get boring St. Viki
back.
Niki: You sure you're Jessica?
Jessica: Yes, I'm sure I'm Jessica.
Niki: Ok. Then you listen up, miss Jessie. About your friend Tess
-- whatever she says, she got nothing on me, ok? So you can yap all you want.
Just remember, I like to kick the dog.
Jessica: Fine, Niki, if you're not going to --
Niki: Yappity, yappity, yappity, yappity! Don't waste your breath.
Niki's got staying power this time.
Jessica: I'm pregnant -- or Tess is, and either way, this baby's going
to need a grandmother.
Niki: Sorry, grandma ain't around.
Jessica: The only reason that you're out is because my mother let
you out to help me. So if you're not going to start talking, then we're not
going to need you anymore.
Niki: You're not going to need me anymore? What the hell does that
mean? You think I ain't grandma material?
Jessica: Viki is my mother and she is going to be the grandmother
of this child, not you.
Niki: Yeah, why the hell not? I mean, the kid can't call me grandma,
but, you know, he could call me, like -- I don't know -- aunt Niki or --
and I can teach the kid a lot.
Jessica: That's not going to happen.
Niki: Oh, yeah? Well, who's going to do it? Not you, tootsie, because
you don't know what's what.
Jessica: You're right, Niki. You're not grandma material.
Niki: Cool. Take a walk.
Jessica: You might be in charge for the moment, but that's still my
mother's body.
Niki: All this yapping is getting us nowhere fast.
Jessica: Do you think that I'm having this conversation because I'm
bored? I am pregnant, and Tess is still inside me, and nobody's happy about
this.
Niki: Well, what the hell are you looking at me for? It ain't my fault
you're pregnant. I can't blame Tess, though, you know? The little old winemaker
-- he's cute.
Jessica: Can we be serious here for one moment?
Niki: Ok, ok, I want out of here -- seriously!
Jessica: I know that you hate me, but what about Tess? I mean, she's
more yours than I ever was.
Niki: So what? You think I like her better than you?
Jessica: Well, she's more like you than I am.
Niki: Wrong again, kid. I hate the little bitch as much as you do.
Jessica: I just assumed --
Niki: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. You assumed that since we're both
alters got, like, some special bond. No way, ok? I hate the little brat.
I just met her and she was rude.
Jessica: She was? Why?
Niki: Well, who the hell knows?
Niki: Okay, one more time. I don't know nothing about Tess. Besides,
since I am obviously like the president of the bad alter society, why the
hell would I give up something on her so you can make her disappear? It's
like Viki made me disappear.
Jessica: Niki, just --
Niki: You know what? Forget it. You and your boyfriends and your daddy,
you got me locked up here in this room. Cool. That gives me squatter's rights,
ok, to this room and that bed. So you get up, get out, and get over
yourself.
Niki: (to Jessica) That kid you're going to have -- what if
that kid belongs to Tess and the little old winemaker? You really going to
want to raise a kid you don't even remember making? And think about this
-- think about your mother and you and what happened to you. Same thing is
going to happen to the kid, you know. Kid's going to be a little carbon copy
of you. Ooh -- no. I should say carbon copies.
Niki: (after stealing Jessica's cell phone) Man, look at this
thing. That is really tiny. Must be why the dumb blond didn't blink an eye
when I lifted it. So, who am I going to call first?
[Niki decides to order pizza]
Niki: Yeah, one pie, large. Um -- anchovies and lots of extra cheese.
Address? Llanfair. Well, it's a big fancy-schmancy estate on the main drag.
How hard could it be to find? Yeah. Ok, how much is it? You're kidding! Well,
no, that's ok, that's ok. It's not like I'm paying for it. Oh, and make it
snappy, will you? I'm starving. Got to have some real food to eat, especially
before the show starts. Because they ain't going to know what hit them.
[Niki's attorney arrives at Llanfair]
Clint: Who are you?
Vinnie: Vinnie Stokes, attorney at law. I'm here to see my client,
Niki Smith?
Clint: What in the world are you talking about? How could you know
Niki Smith?
Vinnie: She hired me to be her attorney. Funny lady. She cracks me
up.
Niki: Nah, you tell me what you're wearing first. You're kidding!
That's it?
Clint: That's enough, thank you. Niki: What is the big deal?
It's only 3.99 a minute.
Clint: Where did you get this phone?
Niki: I lifted it off Jessica. Kid should be a lot more careful with
her stuff.
Clint: There's an ambulance chaser downstairs who said he's representing
you.
Niki: Ambulance chaser? Well, by that, you surely must mean my lawyer,
whom I hired to protect my rights, which you are violating.
Clint: Oh, dear god.
Niki: So I went right to the yellow pages and got myself an
attorney.
Clint: Yeah, well, you picked yourself a winner.
Clint: Now, why would the Llanview police be interested in helping
a woman who pushed their boss' brother out that window?
Niki: Oh, for -- it was a long time ago. Besides, I never meant for
Benji to die. And he didn't -- well, not then.
Clint: I doubt that anybody cares what you meant to do.
Niki: Cool. I'll just go over Bo's head.
Clint: Oh, yeah, yeah. Throw your weight around.
Niki: Who the hell are you?
Vinnie: I'm your lawyer. Assuming you're Niki Smith, which you got
to be. I recognize the voice.
Vinnie: I'm not going anywhere. My client is being held here against
her will.
Niki: You got that right, Vinnie.
Vinnie: I demand that Niki Smith be released from captivity now.
Clint: Jessie, I want you to wait for me downstairs.
Niki: Why? Let her stay.
Clint: I'll handle this and I'll be there. You know, I'm just a second
away.
Niki: Oh, God, you people make me want to gag.
Niki: (to Jessica) Hey? Where's the little old winemaker? What
did you do? Dump him? Girl, you don't know a good think when you see it.
I was gonna put him under the mistletoe.
Niki: (spying the pizza she ordered) Food. Cool.
Clint: Oh, no, no, no, no!
Niki: What? What?
Clint: No, you don't, no, you don't.
Jessica: Dad, why did you let her out if --
Niki: What, out of my cage? Because I ain't a zoo animal, that's why!
Whoopee. I get let out into the mausoleum. So, ok, Clint, what's going to
happen? You going to try and get me to talk about the past that I don't remember?
Because I live in the present. I live in the here and the now.
Clint: Well, as we all should.
Niki: Yeah.
Clint: Jessie, no, no, I have not changed my mind. Niki is going to
get hypnotized, not you.
Niki: What? Oh, no. No way, Jose! No, no, no, no, no! You just lock
me right back in my room, cowboy. I am totally ok with that!
Niki: You've got a hell of a nerve dragging me off the roof!
Clint: You're lucky you didn't fall off the roof and break your neck.
Now, Niki, this is Dr. Fox.
Niki: What'd you have to be so rough for? You hurt me!
Clint: Niki, this is Dr. Fox.
Niki: I heard you the first time. What are you, the new jailer? Oh,
you're the hypnotist!
Travis: Hypnotherapist.
Niki: You know what? I don't care! You can call yourself Santy Claus.
You ain't putting me under.
Jessica: You're a part of my mother, just like Tess is a part of me.
And I didn't dismiss her, and clearly my mom hasn't dismissed you.
Niki: You talk too much.
Jessica: I need your help, Niki.
Niki: Oh, brother.
Travis: Who am I speaking with now?
Niki: Niki Smith.
Travis: And, Niki, how long have you been in control?
Niki: Not long enough.
Dr. Fox: Ok. Now, you know how Dissociative Identity Disorder works,
don't you?
Niki: Yeah. It's dog eat dog, right, doc? And I'm having Viki for
breakfast.
Dr. Fox: Okay, Niki. Now, tell me what Jessica's doing at this bar
you took her to.
Niki: I don't know. I got better stuff to do than baby sit some
brat.
Dr. Fox: Ok. I want you to tell me what else is going on, then.
Niki: Place is packed. It's really cool. Great music, too -- real
sexy stuff.
Dr. Fox: Look around. Do you see Jessica there?
Niki I see two guys over at the bar. I wouldn't mind getting it on with
them.
Dr. Fox: Niki, I need you to focus your awareness and tell me where
Jessica is.
Niki: I don't know, she's wandering around. Thing is I told that kid
to sit at a table. The kid doesn't listen.
[Viki is back in control but she hears Niki's voice in her head on New
Year's Eve]
Niki's voice: Something bad happened, Viki, something really bad. Something
you wouldn't want to face, something that could split you apart forever.
[Viki loses control and Niki cheerfully emerges]
Niki: Whoo-hoo! Just in time for New Year's!
[Nash arrives at Llanfair after getting beaten up in Napa]
Niki: Hey! Oh, my god! Who used that gorgeous face for a pinata?
Nash: You're not Ms. Davidson, are you? You're that other one, aren't
you?
Niki: Niki Smith!
Nash: Niki Smith.
Niki: I thought the cute ones were supposed to be stupid.
Nash: Uh-huh. Where's Tess?
Niki: Ah, cool your jets.
Niki: Well, you don't blow my cover, and I could give you a little
New Year's present. And if you like my present, then you help me blow this
joint, like, forever.
Nash: You don't have anything I want.
Niki: Thanks a lot.
Nash: Now, how can you give me Tess?
Niki: What, are you kidding? You are talking to, like, the resident
expert in multiple personality disorders.
Nash: This is so wrong. You're wrong. See, I know you. I --
Niki: Yeah!
Nash: Yeah.
Niki: You got to admit, I run rings around Victoria.
Niki: I can give you what you want. I can give you Nash!
Jessica: What?
Niki: Yeah! You know you want him. Deep down inside, you want him.
You know, he's nuts about you. He just told me that.
Jessica: He was here?
Niki: Yeah, yeah, he flew all the way from California. Looks like
somebody beat the crap out of him.
Tess: I'm not going anywhere with you.
Niki: You think I'm going to hurt you? I wouldn't hurt a fly.
Tess: That's a lie, and we both know it. I was there. I know what
you did.
Niki: Remember the roadside bar? Remember the good times, Tess?
Jessica: Please, no more!
Niki: Yeah, it was me and Jess, or me and Tess -- a couple of broads
hanging out, having a good time, Tess?
[Tess emerges; Niki approves]
Niki: Good! You're just the girl I was looking for.
[Niki attempts to convince Tess that Nash has fallen for Jessica]
Tess: You don't know a damn thing about me and Nash.
Niki: I know about alters. Alters don't get the guy.
Tess: Maybe you didn't.
Niki: Now, you tell something -- why the hell would Nash want to make
Jessica feel better? He should make Jessica feel miserable so she takes a
powder, like, permanent, right? See, I don't even blame you. He's your first
boyfriend, you know? You're used to chewing 'em up and spitting 'em out.
Tess: That was a long time ago.
Niki: Hey, I'm just telling you what I see, you know? Mr. Boyfriend
Nash is in love with Jessica.
Tess: Not possible.
Niki: You should've seen the look on his face when she was crying
in his arms.
Tess: She fell to pieces. What was he supposed to do, hand her a tissue
and keep on eating?
Niki: Hey, you don't want to believe me? That's cool, you can just
wait for him to dump you.
Niki: Look, kid, you got to face it -- you got one thing going for
you, ok, and that's your dynamite good looks. Problem is, Ms. Jessica. She
got that without even trying.
Tess: Well, Nash isn't with me because of the way I look.
Niki: Will you focus here? We're talking Jessica. You know, Ms. Perfect?
Ms. Crazy-Making Perfect, just like her mother? And you -- you are serious
high-maintenance. You've been making that Nash jump through hoops since the
day you met him.
Tess: You don't know anything about that.
Niki: I heard what he said to Viki. You stole his car, you kept
disappearing on him. He calls you infuriating.
Tess: Yeah, in a good way.
Niki: You know what? Infuriating? It cute for a couple of months.
Nobody marries infuriating.
Niki: Jessica's the kind of girl guys lose it over permanently.
Tess: Yeah, not Nash.
Niki: Tell me something -- you ever been loved just for yourself?
Huh? Like by Viki or Clint or anybody? Of course not. You know why? Because
you ain't lovable and she is.
Tess: Huh, well, I'm a hell of a lot more lovable than you are.
Niki: That's not saying a lot.
Niki: You know, your grape-stomper -- he is one fine-looking guy,
and he can have anybody he chooses.
Tess: He wants me.
Niki: He did want you, till he found out you're just a made-up person.
Come on, why the hell would he want to put up with all that drama when the
real thing is right there for the taking?
Tess: I can't think.
Niki: What do you want to think for? Thinking stinks. Don't do it.
Tess: I just saw a bus station. I want to get out.
Niki: Yeah, and go where? Like a one-way ticket to Podunk? No friends,
no money, nothing? You're stupid.
Tess: You got a better idea?
Niki: Yeah! I'll come up with something. I always do.
Tess: It's always worked out so well for you.
Niki: Cheer up. You should be thanking me. I saved you years of
heartache.
Tess: Oh. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much because it's really
been a dream of mine to be trapped in a stolen car with a middle-aged, delusional
--
Niki: Shut up! If it weren't for me, you'd be stuck in the bottom
of Jessica's psychic pit for the rest of your life watching lover boy get
his hooks into her. Trust me, it's no fun watching the good twin getting
it on with the love of your life.
Niki: The important thing is we're free. We're on our way now. You
know, we can look out for each other.
Tess: You've never wanted to look out for me before. You've never
liked me.
Niki: Well, you know, now we're a team. We're the First Alter's
Club.
Niki: We're going to stick together if we're going to stick it to
the Buchanans.
Tess: I am not siding with you on anything, not after what you did
to me!
Niki: Oh, man, not that again.